omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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