i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found your dick twin last night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
