This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
