I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
