i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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