I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
