Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
