life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
