I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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