So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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