party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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