Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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