I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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