You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
