I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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