I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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