Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
