i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
