I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
