I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
