In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
