once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
