I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
