Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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