look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want her autograph on my taint
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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