u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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