I think my fart just growled at me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
