were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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