Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
