I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
