who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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