I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I won the penis lottery.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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