Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
look no pants
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
