Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
