After last night, I could never be a politician.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Need sex. Gaining weight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
