and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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