We're like a lot better than the average bears
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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