Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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