You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
