judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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