Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
are you so shy because you have an std?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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