Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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