I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
