Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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