im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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