Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize