I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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