I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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