discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
