you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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