I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
