This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
