Do you still have your period?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
